Macrobioticnot

It's a new word. It's means I'm not a macrobiotinist which might also be a new word. After doing a little bit of research into macrobiotics I have discovered this: I am not a cow.
Here's what I know: Macrobiotics are about eating whole grain, lots of it. They are about not eating meat and on occasion eating fish but only white fish. Vegetables are good but not all vegetables (tomatoes, potatoes and eggplant = bad) and they are usually cooked. And if you're going to eat a carrot you should eat the whole carrot, yes, the tops. Again, I am not a cow. Fruits are like dessert and you shouldn't eat dessert more than a couple times a week. Now I think dessert is like dessert and you should only eat it once a day. Living on brown rice for two weeks is considered a good thing. Huh.
I tried oatmeal for breakfast not once or even twice but three times. I am not a horse. I put honey on it I put syrup on it I cooked it for five minutes and I cooked it for 8 hours. Neigh.
Sugar is bad, caffeine is bad, alcohol is bad, white flour big no no. Everything that's good is bad, bad, bad. Seaweed is good. Milk is bad, even soy milk. How is a person supposed to eat Apple Jacks without milk? Pickles are good. Someone explain that to me.
All of this insight comes from one book:The Hip Chicks Guide to Macrobiotics, so my research is a little limited. I haven't even finished the book but I haven't given up on it either. I don't doubt that if I could follow this diet in any manner I would feel better and maybe even be healthier. The problem is that if I ate that much whole grain my abdomen would be so inflated with grains and gas you could probably use me to start a car. I am not ethanol.
So I know what I am not and I'm starting to sound like a Dr. Suess book. I am not a cow. I am not a horse but I'd be willing to try some green eggs and ham, hold the tofu.

Feelin' good

I just read an article by Martha Beck entitled Ten Reasons to Feel Good About The Future. So I thought I'd make my own list of things to feel good about in the future and right this very minute.
1. Spring bulbs. I love spring flowers! Of course I have none because spring bulbs require fall planting. Which requires forethought and planning. It also requires a fair amount of work way before the payoff. I don't have one in my yard but I love spring bulbs!
2. Summer. It can't not happen you know? It's inevitable. No matter how cold and rainy things are now, a warm, sunny day must appear eventually. It may not be until June and I may have committed several forms of harey-carey by then but it will come.
3. Girls weekend!! God willing it will come too. In July a weekend away with the girls. Woohoo!!!

4. Cruella Deville. If she doesn't scare you no evil thing will. There's a new version of the song on Radio Disney. It's Isaac's all time favorite. He has a thing for bad guys but particularly villainesses. While watching the scary witch from Sleeping Beauty on a video he said to me "I love her mom." There's a lesson in there somewhere. It's probably "you realize someday your son will be a drag queen." Nevertheless, we should all love our villainesses a little more.
5. School. You can't beat a good education. And while I think my 5 + years of college will suffice me for the rest of my life I look forward to the many years my children will be in school and I will be home - alone. Next year: full day kindergarten.
6. Dogs. Despite the hours of poop cleanup, dog farts to scare the freckles of your face, wiping their butts across the floor, licking the floor incessantly, stealing food from small, underweight children, and sleeping on the couch and leaving it covered in white hairs that are not easily removed, you can count on the fact that they are always there breathing bad dog breath in your face. Maybe I meant cats.
7. Chocolate. Do I need to explain?
8. Cheesecake. See "Chocolate".
9. Vasectomies. Well, just one in particular.
10. And the final thing I think we can all feel good about.....disco balls!! I'm going to buy a big one and hang it in my living room. Then I guess I can only blame myself if Isaac aspires to be a drag queen.

And there you have it.

Go Fly A Kite

Well, that's what I tried to do. I believe it was Thursday, perfect weather for flying a kite, breezy, sunny and warmish for March. I had been working in the yard for a while which consisted of me scooping poop which had been deposited over the last 3 months by the lovely and not so talented Phoebe. Forty-five minutes and a 10lb. bag later I decided that was enough "yard work" so I said to Isaac "hey, let's fly a kite." He responded with "Nooooo mom!"
I thought this was a strange reaction to kite flying but I was not to be deterred because, well, I wanted to fly a kite. This was afterall one of the many (or few?) perks of being a stay-at-home mom. Just having that ability to walk out of your house on a sunny day and fly a kite with your son. I was not to be deterred. We were going to have some kite flying fun damn it. So off to the garage we went to find our little nylon kite that has actually lasted many years. All the while Isaac was telling me not to fly the kite. So I asked him what the big deal was, kite flying was fun afterall. He told me he was afraid the kite would blow away. I assured him that we've had this kite a long time and nothing was going to happen to it. I guess his worries made a little bit of sense in the eyes of a soon-to-be five-year-old but I couldn't understand why this little person would act so dramatically towards kite flying. I was sure I could turn him around and show him the joys of one of my favorite spring pasttimes. I got the kite all ready to go and it popped right up in the air while I was standing in the driveway. I'm having quite a bit of fun as my spirits are lifted as the kite begins to soar. Meanwhile Isaac is standing in the garage yelling at me to stop flying the kite, it's going to fly away. I'm so enjoying how easily the kite goes up and whips around in the wind but never once loses steam. So I'm assuring him from about 20 feet away that kite flying is fun not stressful!! Chill out little man! You need to just relax and be in the moment! Quit stressing! Your five for cryin' out loud. As the kite ascends a little farther with what little bit of string I have Isaac is still insisting that it will soar into the distance never to be seen again if I don't stop letting the string out. So I get almost to the end of the string and I say "Isaac, it's fine, this is fun for crying out loud, nothing bad is going to happen." Just as soon as I speak the words I have gotten to the end of the string and sure enough it was never tied to the spool. And all I can say as the string practically leaps from the spool in it's great escape "oops, hey, you were right!" And there goes our kite. Soaring up and away and then over a tree, it hovers over the neighbors house and then down in their bushes. Ok, so maybe I should have listened to my little prophet of kite flying.
Luckily the kite was easily retrievable and I quickly rolled the string back up and folded the kite up and stuck it back in the garage where it belongs. Turns out it was a better day for riding bikes anyway.

Shakespeare Momma

I have been inspired to write poetry by the master himself - Shakespeare. How I so enjoy the clever words and lyrical phrases wherewith I can lose myself in a soliloquy of words! (Soliloquy, i'm going to have to look that up.) Ok, here goes... my morning song in Shakespearease...

Oh, but the sun has riseth once again and the day I must greet

I have three children who I have bared and bare upon my sagging breasts (Wait. Let's make that heavy breasts. Not so much of a visual.)

I have three children who I have bared and bare upon my heavy breasts. (Eh, that's better.)

With their bad morning breath and dragging feet!

Out! Out! Get out of the house and off to your respite

For I fear, I fear for your soul if you shall misseth the bus-eth.

I shall grow insane with your banter and bickering ways.

And thy herding much like opussum.

And my soul with thy own ragged breath will kick you in the butt if you don't get a move on and release yourself to thine own destiny.

Amen.

Enlightened?

What a bummer! Here I am trying to improve myself, become enlightened and "aware" and Oprah poops out on me. I was trying to participate in the online video discussion with Eckhart Tolle and his latest book "A New Earth". I actually had a couple "ah-ha" moments until the video started studdering. I guess I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow to become fully aware.


Eckhart Tolle defines "ego" as basically one's negative thoughts. (This would be a really, really brief summarization of the first half of the book.) So now I am definitely more aware of my thoughts (most of which are negative) and am trying to let them go, not react to them and find my inner peace. But I'm human so this only works 10% of the time. I'm also a relatively negative person with a bad attitude and a penchant for carrying large chips on my shoulder. Hence the 10%. The most wonderful part of my recent enlightenment is being able to realize when my ego has taken over and is leading me ashstray from my higher purpose. For instance, when Tim does something to honk me off and I react with "Hey you butt wipe could you make my life anymore difficult?" or some other wifely phrase, I follow it up with "Oops, that was my ego talking!" and just laugh it away. Oh silly ego! Where for art thou spiritual enlightenment?! It's worked out fairly well and it even makes me feel kinda good about myself. I think this is a much more enlightened way of passing the buck then doing it say, Eva's way. Like kicking her brother and then following it up with "I'm sorry! I said I was sorry!" Well, sure Eva it's ok to kick people as long as you apologize for it right away. Now if she were to say "Darn, if that gosh darn-dilly ego didn't get to me again!" Then, I'd probably understand as my ego often wants me to kick her. See! I am enlightened!

That is it for now. I have more to share like the painful swelling of my girl gonads (ovaries) over the last four days but this discussion is not for the squeamish. Alas, I will share it with you another time perhaps in a "HHFD" (Hot House Flower Disease) update. Evidently spiritual enlightenment has me sounding like Shakespeare. "Ignorance is the curse of God, knowlege the wing wherewith we fly to Heaven." From Henry VI. I looked it up. I like the word "wherewith". I'm going to have to use it more often.

toodles.

Pee-Tastic!

Well, I did it again. I came home last night, went straight to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and I could hear Abba singing. It was faint, like a small voice in my head. I couldn't understand why this particular moment would inspire Abba in my brain. It wasn't like I was having any sort of epiphany on the john. Was I?? I had to look around my 5x5 bathroom just to make sure. As I looked around the bathroom I actually thought "wow maybe this is some spectacular pee." Then I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out my little ipod-like machine. Evidently I hit the on button when I sat down. I don't think I've ever tinkled to music before especially Voulez Vouz, from Abba Gold, Greatest Hits. You should try it. It's disconcerting.

The last time I let my blonde roots get the best of me I walked around my house for about 5 minutes trying to figure out where the music was coming from. I was enjoying some time at home by myself and couldn't figure out who was playing the Alan Jackson music that sounded so clear but yet faraway. I even looked in the kids' closet. I put my head in then pulled my head out, put it in, pulled it out. Duh. Then I put my hand in my pocket. I laughed so hard I then had to go to the bathroom. No epiphanies that time.

I'm listening to Dancing Queen now and I'm thinking it's got a nice beat. I think I could tinkle to it.

Bad Mom Monday

Well, it's Monday. I don't know if it's because it's Monday or because it's cold and gray or because it's President Day and my kids are home from school today AND TOMORROW that I'm in a fowl mood. Maybe it's the stress of the holiday. Too many sales, no money.

I'm done with winter. I was done with winter on January 29th but today I am OFFICIALLY OVER IT! My feet are cold. My nose is cold. My dog is cold. (She hasn't complained but I can tell.) I'd rather chew my toenails than be outside. What happened to global warming?! I'd like somebody to come melt MY polar icecaps. And if we have to go anywhere it takes my kids 10 minutes to walk a half block to get to the car. It's like herding opossum. And then another 5 minutes to actually get in the car as they argue about who's going in first or last. If it gets any colder I'm going to just have to leave them in the parking lot. It will be a first. On the six o'clock news you won't hear "mom left child in car while shopping" but "mom, left three children in parking lot." "She drove home by herself with a different radio station on than Radio Disney. She then proceeded to take a bath because the hot water had not been all used up. She's obviously crazy but she's feeling better after some "alone time."

Isaac wanted me to buy a Harry Potter book the other day when we were grocery shopping. He morphed into his sister Eva.
"Mom, can we get that Harry Potter book?"
"Umm, no."
"Puleeeasse, I really, really want it." (Have you noticed this doesn't work for Eva either?)
So I said, "Isaac it doesn't have any pictures in it and besides we already have it."
"Buuutttttt, Mooooooommmmmmmm."
"No, we're not buying it."
"But Myna (Maya) has it."
"Yes, and we don't need another one."
"Puuulllleeeeeaaaassssse....." The argument escalated and I blurted out rather loudly...
"ISAAC YOU CAN'T READ!!"
Ewwww... this feels like a BMM (another Bad Mom Moment).
His big eyes got squinty and he gave me a look like 'I can't believe you brought that up'. Ouch. Bad mom.

Speaking of "bad mom" I can't remember if it was before that or after that that he gave me a strike. A strike is an "x" that goes under your name on the chalkboard in our kitchen whenever you do something unsavory like say for example not picking up your things after I've told you 11 times to pick up your things. I moved some chairs out of the way that Isaac was playing with. He was standing behind the couch with his arms folded over his chest and his belly hanging out of his too small pajamas. So I asked him what was wrong.
"Did you hurt yourself?"
"No"
"Are you cold or something?"
"No, you moved my stuff and I gave you (pointing at the chalkboard dramatically) a strike!"
And sure enough there was a big "X" right where Isaac would have put it. I bit my top lip so that I wouldn't laugh. Then I had to bite my lower lip. Then I just started chewing desperately on both lips because he was staring me down with righteous indignation. He had been wronged. And I had been "bad". There was no getting around it. I think he sensed my inner upheaval (that and the fact that all I could do was nod my head) and he walked away. He came back 5 minutes later and threatened to give me another strike if I didn't give him some marshmallows pronto. I then threatened to send him to his room. We silently called it a "draw" and left it at that.

On Thursday while we were dining at the fine establishment of Chik-fil-A he shared his feelings with my mom. I was trying to get him to eat just a couple more bites of chicken when he looked at my mom and said something that I couldn't hear. My mom said to him "Here, just eat these two small bites" then she told me he'd already eaten a lot and beside he'd had a cupcake earlier. Excuse me?! He had icing!! And I'm trying to feed him protein!! (Who is this woman?!) So one very small bite later Isaac ran off to play in the playroom with other kids and lots and lots of germs and bacteria. (sorry, issues.) And later my mom said "you know what he said to me?" he said "She's making me nuts." Evidently Isaac needs less "mommy time".

So it's been decided. No more hemming and hawing over half-day or full-day kindergarten next year. He's going full-day. It's better than leaving him in a parking lot.