Tuesday, June 16, 2009


How can you not love the dance pole ad? I want to do what she's doing - that upside down thing. I'd go workout just for that.

We're leaving for vacation tomorrow. I think I'm officially ready now. We just got back from our first swim meet of the season and we spent an hour and half in pouring down rain. I so kindly volunteered to kinda co-chair the concession stand. And I would just like to tell Jaleen, the person who I took over for, that I curse her and her children. And maybe her children's children as well.

I'm probably going to keep this short because I'm so wet my underwear is drippy and I can only think of cuss words at this point. I think it was the pickle juice leaking in my car that sent me over the edge.

And now I have this freakin' goddamn frame in the middle of my blog that I don't know where the hell it came from!

I'm done now.

Saturday, June 13, 2009


Jill I was thinking the same thing about the shiny pantyhose! I'm sure shiny would go with Robin's, I mean Lobin's, entire collection of chaps! Great minds do think alike!

I think Karen has a point about Joan. Oops, let me rephrase that. I think Laren has a point about Loan. She's MIA. And I think there could possibly be only one explanation: she's being held hostage by her competition: non-clogging skinny pole dancers. Laren figured it out in her last comment, I'm just cutting to the chase.

We live in a world where skinny people with rock hard abs and awesome dance skills can dance on TV with celebrities for a living (ok, I want to be one of those people). But my point is clogging, pole dancing women with clapping love handles is a rare thing (I'm hoping a very rare thing) so the only explanation is that some evil tasteful pole dancer has abducted Loan and is trying to get her pole dancing, clogging, love handle clapping secrets out of her. Oh, Loan, how could you get yourself in such a pickle?

We need to gather and have a vigil for the safe return of Loan and there needs to be margaritas, and loud music in some swanky joint filled with male latin dancers who don't have buttons on their shirts. You know.... for Loan.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009


Bras for plus size women? I love the ads that pop up on my blog. A couple days ago it was sugar-free margarita mix, intimate apparel and something about men wearing boys clothes. I don't get that last one. The others I get. I think Google Adsense has detected that Loan is already functioning on pure sugar and probably doesn't need anymore. I'm not sure about the plus size bras for women. I guess it sounds like we're making our own bras with place mats and a glue gun. It's an interesting thought but it doesn't sound like a comfortable one. But hey, like chaps and plastic vests are?

I finally have a minute alone at home. I think this might be the first one in two weeks since the kids got out of school. I'm hoping it will be more like 90 minutes. I started to dream about all I could get done while they were gone and realized 90 minutes wasn't going to cut it so I decided to just be decadent with my time and blog. Lucky you.

So the other night on my way to work I stopped at CVS to get some gum. After I had left my house I realized my breath was probably less than stellar so gum was a necessity. As I was checking out, the cashier, a guy, asked me if I'd been out in the sun. I answered that I had a little bit that day and asked "why, is my face red?" knowing it wasn't but wondering what on earth he was talking about. And he said "No, I can smell you." Yes, that's a direct quote. I didn't really know what to do with that information. Throw my arms up in the air and start sniffing my pits? It was an awkward moment there for a minute and then he said "You know, your uh SPF or uh sunscreen." I just nodded my head, thanked him (for telling me I stink) and left.

So now I'm thinking some strange guy just told my I smell and he was standing a good 5 feet away from me and I'm on my way to work and there's no time for a shower. Great. Do I really smell? And how bad is it? So when I got to my job I just smiled really big and stood up taller. Cause you know stink is less noticeable when you look confident.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

So Lorry

Laren I'm so glad we got together at our officially unofficial meeting of Bar-D Camp. Although let me just clarify to everyone that it was a spontaneous dinner at a Mexican restaurant where we refrained from drinking margaritas. In fact, it wasn't officially anything at all so let's just call it a um, leeting.

But now I've come up with some ideas for camp like I'm thinking there is going to have to be a craft that involves place mats, scissors, a hot glue gun and a spare bra. That's all I can say for now but I'm so excited about it I think I'm going shopping for place mats tomorrow!

There should probably also be some other organized activities as well so we don't consume our margaritas too quickly especially since we'll be wearing the Depends in our bras and not as our undies. By the way, will we be wearing undies? I'm not sure what to wear with chaps. Maybe we don't need to make a group decision on that. I'm afraid of what Loan might say.

I'm going to have to ponder a while about what these activities will be but I'm thinking Laren should do a PowerPoint on her family. I think color graphics would be great Laren with lots of cats pictured and I volunteer Lobin to help you with that. Maybe you can convince her to share her chaps - just not the ones with pink fur, I know those mean a lot to her. I think she sleeps with them and pets them while she sleeps saying "nice, kitty kitty." I'm not absolutely positive about that, it could just be a rumor.

I'm also thinking Lobin should bring her collection of chaps (I'm pretty sure she has a collection now) and model them for us. By the way all of these ideas are strictly mine and were not discussed at tonight's um, leeting because I know most of you weren't there and I feel bad about that but it's the 8th day of summer break and 8 days evidently became one too many and I really, really, really needed to not cook chicken tonight. So I'm lorry.

Also by the way, Loan, where the hell are you?! Did you buy your own chaps and have you asphyxiated yourself by trying to put them on OVER your head? It's from the bottom up girlfriend. Always remember: pleather can be deadly. You need to contact someone so we don't worry about you. Maybe your chaps are stuck on your love handles and you are unable to type because you got your fingers stuck in them too. Try typing with your tongue. We're here for you Loan and we can help. Just write damn it, write.