Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Wow! Or Rather Low!!

Wow. Those last comments left me breathless and urineless. Unfortunately I wasn't wearing the Depends but fortunately I was wearing the Dora undergarments. Again, unfortunately, I was wearing them to pad my bra (thanks to Loan). But! Fortunately! I made it to the toilet in time despite the five kids and one dog I tripped over to get there! So it all worked out and my bra is still padded so Tim is in for a surprise!

I'm on my second full day of summer vacation. I've accomplished a lot including (but not limited to) ignoring the breakfast dishes, going to work, ignoring the lunch dishes, napping, ignoring the dog, moving the dishes around and ignoring them some more, piddling around outside, rinsing off two dishes and walking away, walking by the laundry room and pretending I don't know what's behind that door, ignoring my three kids and their two cousins and postponing cooking dinner which is what I'm doing right now! Dang! I'm exhausted!

We need to get our emergency meeting on the books. I'd say tonight works for me because for some reason I feel well rested but I'm thinking most of you won't even read this until tomorrow so somebody throw a date out there. Lobin is leaving for vacation soon so we might have to wait until the end of June. But this can't wait forever. Tomorrow is the third day of summer break so I might have to start my own Bar-D Camp here at home. Don't let me drink alone without chaps.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Help Me

I've heard the word "mom" 53 times.

I've heard "I don't know what to do" six times and "What can I do?" eight times followed by eight whines of "but I don't WANT to fold laundry."

I've heard "I'm hungry" eleven times.

I've been asked to prepare 6 separate meals.

I've been handcuffed once.

I've been asked to locate a Nintendo DS game 5 times. (still haven't found it.)

I've been asked to paint toe nails, get the baby pool out of the attic get out the sprinkler, go out to eat and just plain go somewhere three times.

I've been scorned, snubbed and ticketed (by a six year old police officer) and told I'm the best mom ever.

It is now 4pm. I only have 9 weeks, 4 days and 8 hours left of summer break. Glad the first day is almost over.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Yes, What The "L"??

Holy "L"!! You women need constant supervision. I'm ashamed to say I've been neglecting my blogging duties. (Hey Loan, that's duty not doodie.) Someone needs to be in charge here and keep you women in line and gosh-dilly-dang-it I guess that's me. Responsibility gives me a rash.

So let's review while I scratch myself. Loan is insane - God love her. Lobin may or may not have several issues which need to be addressed by a professional, possibly a urologist and maybe a dermatologist since she's probably developed a rash from wearing used chaps she bought at Tractor Supply from a guy named Barry. Laren wears Depends (or maybe Pampers with Dora the Explorer on them but that's really none of my business). And Lill seems fairly normal except for the fact that she owns two (plastic) margarita pitchers (guess that's better than rubber?) which really when you think about it is not normal at all. And where is Laleen? Obviously not keeping up with my blog.

I am all for setting up an emergency Bar D camp meeting (and by the way LOVE our secret phrase Loan- "What the "L"?". You are a genius and genius and insanity go hand in hand you know.) I do have a couple um, disclosures I need to make. One, I'm not Irish either (well, maybe a little bit) although my favorite color is green. I am mostly I-talian which means my legs will be shaven, eyebrows plucked and nose hairs trimmed on a daily basis come hell or a short water supply so as not to frighten any small children or animals. There are other I-talian factors to my anatomy that I won't go into right now but you can ask my father-in-law and he'll tell you. (Wait, something is wrong with that statement.) And three I'm not great with alcohol. Two sips of wine and I'll be wrapped around my portable dance pole making pole impressions on my face while providing a slick of drool.

(Oh and five, I don't really have a portable dance pole I just said that to make myself sound more exotic but I do have a mop and a broom if that works for anybody.)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009


Loan - how I envy your love handles and possibly your pole skills as well. Although I won't really know for sure until I see you in action at Bar-D Camp.

I think Laren is "in" because she enlightened us about your pole skills and she has cleats. I don't know exactly what the cleats are for but I want to find out.

I had no idea Lobin had chaps. I've known her for like 20 years and I can't believe she doesn't tell me these things! Do you know how hard it is to find a good pair of chaps? I hope they're not pleather. God love her.

I think it's time we work out some logistics of Bar-D Camp. Let's start with location. I think ideally it should be at a bar. (I came up with that myself.) It doesn't need to be a large place since right now our camp has about 7 participants but there are a few requirements it seems. As of right now they are:

1) margaritas
2) plastic pitcher (love handle friendly) and glasses provided by Lill
2) pole
3) zipline

I think any bar can provide the margaritas, I've got the pole (it's in my bedroom but it's travel size for easy mobility). The zipline is a little trickier. We might have to resort to something more mundane like a cab.

Now that I think about it maybe we should have this camp in a place with very dim lighting. I'm a little concerned about Loan using her love handles in a public place especially while wearing a fanny pack. Maybe a cave would be good.

Friday, May 8, 2009

It Takes A Lillage

Well, there you have it. It does take a village. Jill (or rather Lill) has a plastic margarita pitcher. Lill, you're in. Just so you know you'd be in without the plastic margarita pitcher. We need to make sure and include my other sisters-in-law besides Lobin and Lammy. There's also Lusan Marie and Lusan Jane and Tim's sister Linda (huh, that didn't work). And my sister Lolleen.
Each one of these ladies has special skills to contibute to our camping experience.

Joan, since you'll be fully dressed I'll allow the fanny pack. I understand your hestitation with relations of any kind. Not to worry I won't even allow hugging. And you can use your love handles however you see fit. Being the mother of twins I've often had to be very creative with the appendages I have. I'd like to see your love handles in action. Wait, that sounds weird. Ok, forget I said that.

Now I know several more people who might be interested in Bar-d Camp so I propose those interested comment on what, if any, special skills or talents they have that could contribute to our camp. For instance, secretarial skills or table dancing.


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dear Joan,

I started to comment to your comment that I had commented to and realized you know, I could actually make this a post. This is my blog, I can do that.

At first I thought you were going to paint those armpit stains with fabric paint but then realized it was the logo you were going to change. Don't work so hard on those stains. Purple sparkly armpits could be a new fashion statement and I've got plenty of paint.

As far as I'm concerned you can comment on my blog infinitely. I've only been doing this about a year and I haven't really figured out all the etiquette and nuances as that would require me to do more than just write. That would require research. Which would require more of my time. (I like to italicize the dirty words.) Besides this is the most comments I've gotten the past year.

I hope the sudden elevation to camp director of my bar-hopping momma's camp hasn't scared you. I know you can handle it. Besides you've already named the camp. You obviously have drinking skills and that's really all the position requires. There are some other abilities that are a plus for this position like recruiting skills (waving a pitcher of margaritas in front of a bunch of stressed out moms), teamwork and employee relations (being able to flag down a waitress in under 1 minute and flirting with the bouncer when necessary) and socializing (cussing). Your 31 years of cohabitation tells me you can do it all and in my camp, unlike at home, you can do it all fully dressed. Or not. I guess that's up to you and any police officers in the vicinity.

Now all we need is a designated driver....

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Camp This

I am a Super Freak. At least that's what I feel like after last week. We were hit by the stomach flu, which by the way, we just had a month and a half ago. Sickness makes me crabby. Well, that and I just realized we only have 3 weeks of school left.

I've been working on the summer schedule. Trying to fit in band with swimming with tennis with golf and with swim lessons. For some reason it all has to happen the first two weeks of summer break except golf. That's why I'm starting my own adult summer camp called Bar Hopping For Sanity. The great thing about my camp is you only pay for your drinks - you don't even have to get the t-shirt if you don't want to. Camp is open every night during the week (and on weekends too!) and if for some reason you miss a day you can mix yourself a cocktail at home! It's ingenious I tell you.