Friday, November 7, 2008

Bye, Bye Little Chickatarian

My birthday was yesterday. Thank you - I know you mean it. Turning 41 is kinda like turning 36 - who cares? I considered telling people that I was turning 52 so that I could get all kinds of "Wow, don't you like great!" and "Really, I can't believe you look so young!" But then I was afraid someone might not comment at all and that would be bad. That would mean I'm a 52 year old looking 41 year old.

My mom loaned me a book about geno-types. The theory behind geno-types is that there are 5 or 6 (I can't remember) body types and that you should eat for your body type for maximum health (and I suppose happiness). Mom put me through the ringer, I mean helped me find my body type last Saturday. The process requires a tape measure as you need to measure your torso, your legs, your head, maybe even that 5th appendage if you're a man. You have to know your blood type and you have to have access to an ink pad for fingerprints.

Once we figured out my type we went straight to the back of the book and started on the list of red meats I can and cannot eat. I think it would be quickest to say the ones I can eat because the list of cannots is rather long. I can eat goat and mutton. Mmmmm, yum. I don't suppose goat comes in a nice filet cut. That leaves out beef, pork, veal and whew - opossum among other animals. My chickatarian lifestyle was looking just fine but then I looked at the poultry section. For poultry I can eat emu, ostrich, squab and turkey. Chicken is listed as something I can eat after I've cleaned out my system of toxins for 3 to 6 months. I'm not sure where to find a 3-6 month supply of emu as I don't live in Australia. I don't even know what squab is. I'll have to look it up. Ok, I looked it up. It's pigeon. Yeaaahhh........

So my protein sources are looking a little bleak. I'll have to check and see if peanut butter is on the"good" list. I pretty much brushed off this diet after I read it. It didn't seem all that doable to me as I've never seen elderberry juice or lingonberries at Meijer. But I took the book home and started reading more about my "type". I am a Teacher type. As I read the description of Teachers I began to hear some eerie music in the back of my mind. Doo, doo, dooo, doooo...... It seemed all the descriptions rang true: "steady way of looking at the world; soul of an artist; (doo, do, doo); can "see the forest for the trees"; sensitive digestive system (I can belch like a sailor) and "andric" - tends toward masculine body type. Oh, the irony of it all.

But I don't want to be a Teacher I want to be a Chicken-Eater. It's just easier that way. I have chicken in the freezer...

And not to ring my own bell, or wait maybe I mean toot my own horn (I should probably ring my own bell when nobody is looking), it also said I was "sinewy and flexible", "ages gracefully" and I "have a powerful spiritual energy". So, I'm like Ghandi but with more hair.

But the most powerfully convincing part of my description was the Teacher slogan: "Why can't we all just get along?"

So I might just give this diet a shot. I can cut out the things I should be avoiding like cottage cheese (bleck) and worcestshire (it probably goes great with mutton) and I can cook ground turkey instead of ground beef and eat more fish. And best of all, there was no mention of marshmallows so I think those are safe.

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