Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lordy, lordy

Question: What can give you a headache, an eye twitch and uterine contractions all at the same time?
Answer: Twins reaching puberty.

I'm not ready to buy bras. I think I just got mine right.

I don't know what to do with most feminine products. I see those commercials and I have no idea what they're talking about.

Discussions about bodies and changing hormones tend to leave me drooling and listless kinda like a small stroke (or uterine contractions). I'm prone to freak out and say the wrong things like "what are you talking about?!" and "have you lost your mind?" or "go ask your father, he knows more about sex than I do."

Then there are the questions I try so hard to evade. For instance: "Mom is Jamie Lynn Spears really pregnant?" I went with the forthright approach and said "yes" and followed it up with a "It's late, we'll talk about it in the morning." I didn't say which morning. Like maybe a morning when you're sixteen, or a morning when your married and your third child is on the way...."about Jamie Lynn Spears.. we never cleared that up..."

Tim's taught the kids to be open with their discussions about their bodies. (Eye twitch.) You know, use correct anatomical names, etc. So on the way to church one day Eva announces (rather loudly) "my nipples hurt." Nice. Can I hide in the glove compartment? Are we there yet? I can think of I few prayers I need to offer up. Somehow Isaac managed to not hear this or there would have been a aching nipple discussion all through church until he was completely satisfied that he knew everything about the topic.

Maya has always been good at mastering the art of tear production. Things don't go her way and she doesn't get what she thinks she deserves then "pop", like little sprinkler spigots - tears. Now, the tears are just running out of her eyeballs at the drop of a hat. It's a sprinkler on an almost daily timer. Example: She and Eva had a discussion over hair color that lasted their entire shower which lasted about 20 minutes and used all my hot water (it's an issue). Maya said her hair was darker than Eva's when it's wet. Eva didn't appreciate that for obvious reasons. (Actually no, I don't understand it either.) I tried to disentangle the argument (bad idea since I didn't understand it in the first place) but this lead to tears from Maya which I have yet to understand. This is not good. I feel like a man. Being a man is bad. At least when you're trying to understand "feelings". Not just feelings but "feelings". Maybe even ""feelings"". I even asked Tim if he had any insights. The man who openly uses the word "nipple" had none. Huh, what good is he?

Lordy, lordy,

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