Wednesday, September 10, 2008

You Make Me Feel Like A Natural wo-MAN

For some reason the world feels like a better place when you can open your back door on a sunny day and let the breeze in. Ahhhhh..... It's a good day to be's a good day to be (mostly) a woman.

I visited the endocrinologist today. The endocrinologist isn't so bad. I've never had to remove my pants or get felt up in any "sensitive" areas at an endocrinology appointment. We had a discussion about my slightly twisted hormone levels. It was a good visit all things considered. Is it just me or do ALL endocrinologists originate from some Slavic country? I had a little trouble understanding her sometimes except when she said "You skinny." Well, yeah, I got that. And I couldn't really deny it either. It doesn't go along with my personal diagnosis of PCOS (which basically means I'm slowly turning into a man) which also means I should be at least 50 lbs over weight. I'm not. "You got lots of hair?" (You have to use a turkish accent when you're reading this.) Well, yeah I do. I'm not sure she believed that either because she kept looking me up and down for some tell-tale sign of my impending maleness. I shave OK? I shave it all. Daily. Everywhere. All over. She was looking me up and down with such a disgusted look on her face I started to laugh. Evidently they don't teach certain things in medical school in Turkey like how to not look at a patient like they are the gum on the bottom of your shoe.

I considered telling her that I weigh more than some of my uncles (and my feet are bigger too, perhaps that is why she kept staring at them.) and that I started removing the hair from my upper lip before my brother did who is 3 years older than me and looks like he's related to Cheech AND Chong. But I figured she wouldn't buy it. It's true however. I come from very little people on my mom's side. And my brother Jim and my brother Phil and I are the only ones who got the uni brow gene out of over 20 grandchildren. When I attend a bridal or baby shower in my mom's family I feel like a giant at 5 feet 4 inches. I'm always a little worried that if I lose my balance my lengthy arms might take 4 or 5 small Italian women with me. It's a scary thought. I'm not sure how I'd get them all back upright without someone getting hurt.

The appointment ended with a decision to get my estrogen levels checked. What a revelation! And you know, of all the other doctors I've seen about this over the years no one, not a one person has suggested that. I like this doctor. She made me laugh. She was also almost as hairy as I am. And maybe we can reverse my impending sexual transformation.

And now I must go pluck.

1 comment:

Jeff said...

You missed the perfect opportunity to subtitle this entry "Mother Plucker"!