Tuesday, October 21, 2008

January Ax-To-Grind

I'm looking for a job. A part-time job. It's not just a sign of the times it's a sign of my mental stability. It's starting to feel like life is full of laundry and dirty dishes. I know there's more out there in this great big world but right now my world is full of spin cycles and dish soap.

I'm turning into June Cleaver. I should just wear an apron all day except I don't even own one. I'm really more like June's alter ego - January. January does most of what she's suppose to but she does it in a snit. Her undies get in a bunch because she finds that her Wally and Beaver are actually 3 kids that don't help at all around the house. And if The Beave doesn't learn to pick up after herself soon she's going to be living with Eddie and Eddie's mom has to be worse than even January. Right?

January's house is never actually clean like June's but she's always picking up her kids things and turning off lights. Yesterday she walked around the house 32 times turning off 12 lights. There aren't even twelve lights in January's house. She put in three loads of laundry but folded six. She prefers to ignore the dishes but finds herself doing them anyway. After she's done doing the dishes someone puts more in the sink to do. January would rather spend time plucking her nose hairs than doing more dishes.

January doesn't bake cookies for her kids she bakes cookies so she can eat the cookie dough. Sometimes she can't eat it all so she makes cookies with the rest.

Sometime after the cookie dough lunch January finds herself face down on the sofa sleeping off the sugar high. She wakes up with brown sugar in her hair and Olive (her dog) licking her ear.

January rushes off to volunteer at Scooter's (that would be January's 3rd kid) school. She can only get one eye open and she has mascara under her eyes but no one says anything to her because well, she's scary.

January gets home in time to do more dishes before the kids get off the bus. January is sure that her house is part of some secret underground railroad because she doesn't know how the dishes got there.

Wally and The Beave get off the bus and begin complaining about homework. January loves her kids but she really loves Eddie more because even though he's a conniving little weasel he doesn't ever whine at her.

The Beave gets herself worked up into a convulsion because she has a test tomorrow and tests are so unfair. The Beave has been in school for six years but still hasn't come to terms with it. The Beave has six more years of school to go plus college. January is considering becoming a missionary and moving to Africa.

Amazingly the Beave didn't remember to bring home her study guide for the test. January makes the 25 minute drive to school and back just like she did for Wally the other day. January counts the dollars as her gas meter goes down.

January wishes she smoked. January is also a strong believer in cocktail hour although unfortunately she doesn't drink. She vows to make drinking a goal next year.

January waits to the last minute to make dinner. January believes in the dinner fairy appearing at 5:45pm. She's never ever seen the dinner fairy but she still believes.

After dinner January dreams of going to Meijer to buy groceries so she can avoid homework and bedtime.

Ward is always waiting up for her.

January is thinking she needs a full-time job.

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